Safety Over Comfort, the Controlling Contractor vs. the Authentic Architect

Jul 7 / Kat Linquist

This blog is a continuation of the last blog: Adoptees Feeling They Wish They Had Never Been Born

To quickly recap...

The feeling of not wanting to have come into this human experience is a common one amongst Adoptees.

The pain Adoption creates can be overwhelming and feel as if nothing can fix or change it…

So what is the purpose of living an emotionally painful life? 

Are Adoptees doomed to live stagnating in this trauma and uncertainty?

No, Adoptees are NOT Doomed to live their life in struggle, pain and trauma.  Let me explain how it might FEEL that way, though.

The Self-Conscious (or the Authentic Architect) part of us doesn’t WANT a stagnant, painful life.  We came here to experience the FULL Range of Human emotions, experiences and circumstances.  The Architect created plans for us to have a happy ending, financial success, love and appreciation of family and friends, and to know our life has purpose. 

The Architect creates the blueprint and the plan of enjoying a Human Experience, even if sometimes there is pain, for that increases our capacity to feel joy.  But the Architect doesn’t plan for us to have an experience of prolonged pain and suffering. 

So, when an Adoptee finds themselves mired in the pain and trauma of their relinquishment, this creates a huge “problem”.

The Controlling Contractor

This “problem” is with the Unconscious part of us, or The Contractor, which coordinates the “build”, which in this case is our LIFE.  The Contractor’s primary responsibility is to keep us safe and provide experiences which we have “already survived. 

Regardless of how PAINFUL something is…If we have survived it, the Contractor has become familiar with it, and believes that this is how the “world works” and what will keep us SAFE. 
Therefore, it aligns us with people, places and experiences which mirror those earliest experiences in an attempt to keep us alive.  

It recreates that “primal wound” over and over because it knows you can survive it… But that’s not “LIVING”.

The Contractor, being a “bigger and stronger” part of us, ignores the blueprint the Architect has designed, and is now working solely from what is right in front of it…

It takes over the building process and doesn’t tell the Architect about the changes it is making.  Even when the Architect keeps showing the Contractor the blueprint,  the Contractor keeps ignoring it and taking its own path.  This is called “DEFAULT” living.  The Contractor defaults to its own agenda.

Most people have NO IDEA this is how the Unconscious part of you Works! 

The Struggle Between the Architect and the Contractor

Because Adoption creates such deep pain so early in life, and we didn’t die from it, the Unconscious / Contractor part of us seeks to replicate experiences which we have survived.

The Contractor wants balance, harmony, stability and works in tandem with the Sub-conscious aspect which runs all our body functions like our heart beating, breathing and digestion automatically.  We are “alive” but not “living” as we were designed to.

The Self-Conscious / Architect begins to become aware of what the Contractor is doing as you get older and doesn’t like the way the Contractor is building the Life. 

The Architect
 wants to feel good, to create positive and happy experiences.  Yet this is NOT what an Adoptee is experiencing. It WANTS to get the Contractor on board with the beautiful blueprint it designed, but now feels lost in how to do that.  The Desire of Happiness keeps getting overridden by the Default of Safety.

The struggle between the two can feel exhausting.  Hence, the feelings of “non-existence” creeping in….  The Architect is tired, and wants to stop feelings this deep struggle, so perhaps had we never come to this human experience would have been better…

Bringing Balance to the Builder

What the Builder wants just as much as Safety is Balance.  It too feels the struggle with the Architect, and the more the “blueprint” is presented, the harder the Builder pushes for Safety.

In order for the Architect to get the Builder on Board, it needs to create a new experience of Safety, so it can release the Pain of the Past experiences, bring the Wisdom gained from it forward, and apply it into the Blueprint of living a happy and healthy life.

The Architect can begin to draw up a plan for showing the Builder how to love both self and others from a place of inner power, set boundaries, embrace mistakes, and create new experiences of peace, joy and purpose.  This plan creates a new sense of meaning to the life we experience as an Adopted Person which the Builder can coordinate and assemble all the cooperative components with.

However, most Adopted People need help and support with this.  The Builder is quite set in its ways and doesn’t want to change that easily.  Re-read the blog Planning Your Emotional Master Journey to choose the Support Level that is right for you.

This Journey of being an Adopted Person is quite extraordinary in every sense of the word.  We get to see life through an intense and focused lens which most people don't.

We have the opportunity to GROW in deeper ways than those who are Kept.  We have been given strength beyond measure.

My hope for you is that you will come to KNOW these things, feel them in your Core, and Recognize your Power, and Grow it.  This is WHY I write, why I share these things, to give you the knowledge, the tools and the pathways to become ALL you were meant to be.

Keep reading.. Keep Sharing... MORE is coming very soon!

I’m starting a New Series next time – Focusing on the WORDS we use and their Impact on the Energy and Direction of our lives.

AND...A new and exciting opportunity awaits you the next time I publish... See you soon!

Created with