A Day Filled with Trauma and Uncertainty
For many Adoptees, their birthday can bring up the trauma of
their separation from their birth parents.
This day might symbolize not just
their birth, but also their first experience of loss and abandonment.
The
uncertainty of their origins, the questions that remain unanswered about their
birth parents, and the circumstances of their adoption can cast a long shadow
over what is supposed to be a day of joy.
Being adopted at birth often means that the very day of
one’s birth is intertwined with the feelings of being given up.
This can lead
to a deep-seated sense of abandonment that resurfaces annually, making it hard
to truly celebrate.
For Adoptees who were later separated from their mother or
family, they may feel a sense of shame and guilt for celebrating themselves, as
they do not feel that they belong anywhere, and question who will love and celebrate
them?
Unworthiness and Adverse Childhood Experiences
Some adoptees grow up feeling that they are "not
allowed to celebrate themselves."
These feelings can stem from the belief
that they aren't good enough or worthy of being celebrated, often exacerbated
by adverse experiences in their adoptive families or environments.
These
experiences can reinforce the narrative that their presence is more of a burden
than a blessing.
Another experience is that if an Adoptee does not know who
they “really” are, they feel a sense of disconnection with themselves, and
therefore create a story or narrative that questions “Who are they celebrating
on this day?”
A combination of Adoption Trauma and Adverse Childhood Experiences can lead to internalized feelings of unworthiness, disconnection and lack of Self Love. So, it makes "sense" that an Adoptee wouldn't want to "celebrate me".
Yet... Here you are, living and breathing. You have purpose for being here, whether you know if or not. And you deserve to be celebrated!
Changing the Narrative – The Architect Way
Recognize You Are a One-in-8 Billion Phenomenon
Understanding and embracing the uniqueness of your existence
is a powerful first step.
Every individual is a one-in-8 billion phenomenon,
including you. No one else on this planet has your exact combination of
experiences, personality, and potential.
This uniqueness is worth celebrating.
Your birthday is not just a reminder of your past but also a testament to your
individuality and the countless possibilities that lie ahead.
The Past Does Not Determine Your Present or Future
Whatever has happened in your past does not have to dictate
your present or future.
This can be a liberating realization. You have the
power to define your narrative and to choose how you want to live and celebrate
your life.
Birthdays can be a time to reflect on this empowerment and to set
intentions for the year ahead, free from the constraints of past traumas.
Accept and Acknowledge Your Feelings
It’s natural for thoughts of your birth mother and your
adoption experience to arise on your birthday.
Instead of pushing these
feelings away, accept them. Allow yourself moments of reflection and even
grief.
Acknowledging these emotions can be a crucial step in Letting Go. However,
it's equally important to not let these thoughts take over your day.
Give
yourself permission to feel but also to move forward into the celebration of
yourself.
Celebrate Your Existence
Your existence is a cause for celebration.
Regardless of the
circumstances of your birth and adoption, you are here, and your life has
intrinsic value.
Plan your birthday in a way that brings you joy and
fulfillment. Whether it's spending time with loved ones, engaging in activities
you love, or simply taking a day for self-care, make your birthday about
celebrating you.
You Are Worthy of Celebrating!
Birthdays for Adoptees can indeed be complicated, marked by
a mix of emotions that are not always easy to navigate.
However, by becoming an
Authentic Architect, you get to create and recognize your unique value,
understand that your past does not control your present, accept and take responsibility
for your feelings, and actively choose to celebrate your life, you can move
beyond the narrative of "I can't have a happy birthday."
Reclaim your birthday as a day of joy, reflection, and celebration of the
remarkable person that you are.
Look for my next blog with another Adoptee Challenge and the way to shift into becoming your Authentic Architect!
